i permit you to call me
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
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