Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
ok first of all what the fuck
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
