everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
