nut hugger
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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