Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
