Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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