he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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