I am puke
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
