did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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