Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
The air taste purple.
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