So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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