i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
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So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
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Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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