I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
