He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
