good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
