Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
how drunk are you?
Several
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
