I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
