My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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