After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Randomize
