Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
