I wish I could teleport
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I would ride that face into the sunset
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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