Michael Bay diarrhea
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Randomize
