nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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