Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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