There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
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Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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