he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
