i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
