trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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