he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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