dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I touched a dick in church today
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