I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
