Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
