I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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