when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
