You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I need a burrito and a hug.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
