Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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