So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
