So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
