I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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