im six kinds of drunk right now
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
