I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
