This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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