i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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