I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
