i don't like sucking hair
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
worst night to have a conscience
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
