he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
