you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
