There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
