my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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