I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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