you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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