I smell stomach acid.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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