she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
