Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
