Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize