im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
