that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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