So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
All I want is dick and wine.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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