but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
