Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
