I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
