I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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