So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Randomize
