I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
